Volume 4 Issue 5

May, 2003

GODDESS TRIALS

I had my tonsils removed when I was 6 years old.  As many of you can recall, we were told it would be great, we could have ice cream, all we wanted, after the surgery.  I don’t really remember the promises of creamy delights, the first thing I can remember is sitting on a guerney in front of a chalkboard playing Tic-Tac-Toe with a young man, an adult.  I can still feel it, as thought it were happening now, the  dawning of enlightenment:  this guy is spending time with just me, it had been my experience that adults weren’t usually this attentive to children they didn’t know, something was up and it wasn’t going to be good.  The anesthesia I received was ether.  While under the ether I had the first of lifelong nightmares about running up into high places away from….who knows, but that day it was from doctors. 

Less than a week after my last mammogram I received a letter that asked me to schedule a follow up, more pictures were needed.  I thought nothing of it, having a history of fibrocystic breast disease in the family, but no breast cancer with my mother’s side at all.  I was just interrupting my week.  When I went in for the tests the technician was friendly and amiable.  They always are at this facility.  After her first set of slides she came back saying she needed more, her tone and posture displayed concern.  After the second set of slides she came to tell me we needed to go to another part of the facility to get an ultrasound.  She stood very close.  After the ultrasound, as I waited to speak to the doctor, the technicians and the nurse were conciliatory and made attempts to connect.  They spoke softly.  They put arms around my shoulders.  I knew I was in trouble.  The same day the pathologist performed biopsies.  Even with all the concern, which I found very troubling, I wasn’t worried.  The specimens would be negative.  After all, I am a healthy person.  Test results just 24 hours later were positive, good for a cancer seeking its living quarters, bad for me as the host. 

I contacted my family.

I began to strategize how best to adapt my schedule to the new challenges on my energy level in the next few months.

Time was moving very quickly, yet seemed to stand still.  The team of physicians, nurses and techs in charge of my care were hustling and bustling offering this and that.  I just had to decide what I wanted.  I delved into literature, onto reputable websites, and talked with friends and family.  It was very difficult to do anything but concentrate on getting a footing on my path towards healing.  A very real difficulty being that I could not believe there was anything wrong with my health.  Worse I, in my heart, did not believe the diagnosis right away.  This belief opened itself in stages.  First, I accepted that perhaps the tumor existed and, that yes, it did look like a malignancy.  Then, I had to accept that it was me that would be going through the procedures I researched.  I have researched so many illnesses and their treatments for my clients that I was able to research this with the distance and objectivity I apply to those projects.  It wasn’t difficult to keep from getting caught up emotionally because I was so practiced at this.  The difficulty was in deeply knowing I was researching my own case. 

I once again went through my yoga information on postures and pranayama for breast cancer.  This time for me.  I contacted my teachers, my mentors.  Judith said to do Supta Baddha Konasana supported with 45 degree angle of the bolster for 25 minutes a day.  The really good news is that I had been doing that posture every day since my mother’s death, and for really long periods.  I found a series for another yoga student given her by B.K.S. Iyengar.  I determined to use that until I hear otherwise from the Iyengars.  I contacted my acupuncturist.  We are making plans and I received herbs to keep my health up and also battle cancer.  I dug out my video on a Chi Kung technique for people with cancer and found the name of the fellow who produced it.  I want to write him and ask for the chi kung specific for breast cancer.  I asked a client about her dietician, one who prescribes food as medicine. 

I began contacting my friends.

I have found great support in my community of friends here and elsewhere. 

I am updating my website, the page for cancer and exercise hasn’t been touched since I first created it.  We will see how it evolves.  

A major deity in Pune, India is Ganesha.  Huge pink elephants stand in small enclosures on nearly every corner.  Ganesha removes obstacles.  He is also known to place obstacles in one’s path.  Obstacles that bring insights and, possibly, wisdom as one struggles through them.  My first, most obvious, lesson to learn from this is that I had been spending not nearly enough time with my own health.  I have been working very long hours, saying it is temporary.  It has been temporary for nearly 4 years.  I guess it’s time I walked the walk. 

I am not afraid, I am really put out.  I don’t want to go through this, but I want it done.  It’s just like all the other tasks we don’t like.  We must go in smiling, even if we don’t mean it.  The smile is the first step to believing that there is some joy to be found.  And, the foundation of all my joy now is not hope.  It is what I see.  I see myself better.  I see others better.  I see relationships in very different light.  This year my transformation was complete.  I am, officially, the Infertile Goddess.  A whole new stage of life is at hand.  It includes many freedoms, many adjustments, many opportunities for insight. 

All prayers are appreciated.  

Namaste

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THE QUEEN

Supt Baddha Konasana

Judith Lasater calls this the Queen.  It is actually a highly supported version of Supta Baddha Konasana.  Once you recline into this posture you know why Judith so named it.  Props used in the illustration include:  a bolster, 3 eyebags, a sandbag, 6 blankets, a block, and a sticky mat.  You can make do with less, this is the Cadillac (or Mercedes) version.

Place the bolster lengthwise on the sticky mat.  Place a block beneath the bolster, about 1/2 to 2/3 of the distance from the end that faces the center of the mat.  The bolster will rest at a 45 degree angle.  Place a folded blanket at the head of the bolster for a pillow.  Place a folded blanket on each side of the bolster to support the elbows and forearms.  Roll 2 blankets and place at either side to support the hips.  Make a small blanket roll and place it at the ‘seat’ end of the bolster to take the edge off.  Sit in front of the blanket roll and bolster.  Bring the soles of the feet together and rest the sandbag over the feet.  Lie back.  Place an eyebag over the forehead and eyes.  Hold an eyebag in each hand—handbags.  Relax in queenly fashion 10—25 minutes.

OM Gam Ganeshaya Namah

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