Beginning to Count Down

August 17, 2003

Email to my sister, Debbie, who sent me a nightshirt for my birthday.  She got it at her favorite store (Past Times), being the Anglophile she is.  I had hoped to visit her in Cambridge, England this year, but it doesn't look good.   

Asked my husband if he thought I was sexy sitting here in my new nightshirt and he said, "For a cancer patient."  I laughed, but it didn't feel good.  He likes long hair.  He likes enthusiasm and energy.  I guess for the circumstances this is as good as it gets. 

August 20, 2003

Yesterday's treatment went well.  Went in really tired thinking I would nap, however, I got the shaky, achy legs thing again.  It was about 101 degrees outside with, I don't know, 90% humidity.  No question about walking outside, especially since I really went awol the last time, so I paced the room.  That helped.  I really couldn't read and didn't like sitting and listening to music or anything.  I colored.  That worked really well.  In the evening the premeds just made me feel drugged and ready for a party.  Taxol is so much better than Adriamycin.  The nurse says literally everyone says the side effects are much more tolerable.

Only 2 more treatments to go.  A few days ago I talked to a friend who had chemo for ovarian cancer last year.  She was scheduled for 8 treatments but only received 6 because her blood work showed a good response.  Of course, I asked Dr. Beck if that worked for my protocol.  No.  No shortcuts.  He says there is a protocol whereby breast cancer patients get 6 treatments but all 3 of the drugs are infused each time.  Patients have a really hard time keeping their white counts up and often need to take growth hormone to get through it.  The idea of all 3 of these meds at one time just made me shiver.

August 23, 2003

Yesterday a member at the exercise center, and breast cancer survivor, relayed to me what her oncologist had told her.  She quit her job during therapy.  He told her that survivors do what they think is right for themselves.  Her question, "Did I need to work?"  Well, yes, I do like working.  But, I am wondering if I could work less and take care of myself more.  That is an issue I am delving into with the psychologist. 

My body is dry.  My dry mouth added to the environment that created that icky sore last time.  I am sore and in pain.  Unusual this time is that I have a great appetite.  I am  hungry all the time and want to eat.  The downside is I can't taste my food.

August 24, 2003

I have felt so bad all day, all weekend.  I have felt sorry for myself, have found it difficult to be "up."  I have been tired, but not sleepy. I have been edgy.  It's the pain.  I am in this discomfort that is such an overall malaise that I think I need to take a pain med, but should I?  Am I just wanting to take the drug for its feel good properties?  Am I risking drug addiction?  I take the med and 2 hours later I am comfortable.  I then realize the level of pain I was in previously.  The med wears off and about 5-6 hours later I go through the same psychological garbage.  I don't want to suffer unduly.  I don't want to take meds too liberally. 

September 7, 2003

Have felt really well the last couple of days.  The past week was just one of hanging on.  My appetite was great, however, so I ate really well.  I began taking a bit more of the pain med and that helped to not feel so tired.  This is the good weekend - the one before another treatment (second to the last - hurray).  I bought myself a new pair of shoes.  They are great.  They are my reward.  Found bras without underwire at Dillards. 

I am learning to say no.  It's a difficult thing for me to admit - I do not have limitless energy.  I cannot do everything I am asked or want to do.  The thing about saying no is that usually the request is something I would really like to do.  It is more difficult to say no to myself than to others.

September 8, 2003

I have been nauseous since 7:30 am.  It came on all of a sudden.  I didn't actually throw up but knew it was a real possibility.  It was worse when I was up and about.  I asked folks to cover for me in the afternoon and basically laid around all afternoon and evening.

Since I was only lying around I didn't notice the pain so much in my feet and legs, didn't take anything for pain.  About 1 pm the phone rang and I got up to walk to the phone.  My feet hurt all the way to the ankles.  It was like I was standing on ankle stumps.  You would think this would go away as the time passes.

September 9, 2003

Today I was not nauseous at all.  For the last couple of days I had bowels movements like normal people, formed.  Today I had my usual loose stool and now life goes on.  Maybe there was something I ate.  Maybe it's the parasite dying off thing.

After being so energized with the last 2 chemo sessions I took lots of things with me to do.  I even brought my computer to work on a class plan on a new class I hope to begin this month.  I slept.  I slept soundly for nearly the whole time I was there.  Odd.  Part of it may be that this time I took something for pain once the legs started to ache.  They ached more than the last 2 times, therefore the logic.  That must be I was relaxed enough to sleep.

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September 14, 2003

More pain than the last 2 treatments.  Unable to taste anything.  I felt pretty bad going into my acupuncture treatment Thursday.  As always I left feeling so much better. 

Monday a local yoga teacher, who was diagnosed with liver cancer last November, died.  I thought she was doing okay and would be around awhile.  That was the impression she gave.  Did she know?  Even though it's a different cancer, it has really hit me.  A friend, a peer, someone who's light was really shining.

Friday I gave a yoga/relaxation presentation to a local cancer support group.  I had met with these folks a little over a year ago.  Now I can really relate.  It was great seeing those I remember, and was sorry to meet a new member.  The people with cancer that I meet are up.  They have a positive frame of mind.  It's the support people and friends that are really having a difficult time.

One of my training clients commented on how good I looked, I had my color back.  I had to tell her that my color was a result of the chemo.  It is a nice cheery color. 

September 17, 2003

This afternoon I am finally feeling good.  This past week and a half has felt like the longest period of time since this ordeal began.  I had to force myself to do anything.  The good news is that once I drug myself out to an appointment or other obligation I enjoyed the experience.  It was just getting the oomph to get up and out the door.  I would think about how I didn't want to talk to anyone.  But, then , once I was engaged it was delightful.

September 18, 2003

Woke up feeling good.  I was even ready to get out of bed! 

September 19, 2003

I still cannot believe that I am a cancer patient.  It truly feels like it is someone else going through this.  I am only observing.  I am observing that I am tired of the activity and more than ready to move on to something else.  I am making plans for the future.

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