Pain - Not Cancer Pain, Treatment Pain, Life Pain

September 26, 2003

Felt very good this past week.  Energy is high.  I'm able to do my entire yoga sequence and not be exhausted.  Rather, actually have that energizing effect that I have grown to expect from yoga practice.  Until today.  I hit the wall hard.  I was so tired and in quite a bit of pain.  I can't just get tired, I have to get wasted.  Aah, well.  It's such a fine line we (I) walk between the right amount of activity and too much.

I called for a refill for pain medicine.  The nurse said, sure I'll call that in right away.  It was a bit depressing for me.  I guess I would like the health care people to give me a hard time, to at least halfway think that I wouldn't need the medicine, that this is a mistake, I don't have this diagnosis and these treatments with their side effects.  It reaffirmed to me that I have a diagnosis that has been fatal for people I know.  It's strange the things that cause me to recall the reality of my situation, that cause me to think.

September 30, 2003

Just Great!  My last chemo treatment today.  Celebrate with carrot cake.  Am so excited, plus with the pre-meds and huge nap during treatment I am unable to sleep.  But, what a weight has been lifted.  Blood work today was great.  Hemoglobin, white blood count and were well within normal ranges.

I told the doc that I thought the pain was related to activity, the more active I was the more pain.  He said, "Yep."  Still, it's great to want not having to push myself so much, to feel like doing things and not be kicking myself into activity so much of the time.

October 3, 2003

More pain this time.  Perhaps it's cumulative.  Today and yesterday I was in pain and easily irritated.  Everything irritates me. 

Still, I keep telling myself that this is the last time....ever.

October 5, 2003

Yesterday morning I led a class in how to teach Iyengar yoga.  It was a 3-hour session.  Cindy taught a portion, but over 2/3 was my responsibility.  It tired me much more than I thought it would.  I zoned out for the remainder of the day.  Pain medicine made no difference in my comfort level.  It's discouraging because having the last treatment says to me that all the ordeals are finished, which isn't so.  Good news is that today, after resting and sleeping through the night I am getting some relief from the pain with pain meds and I have a bit more energy.  Here, again is the trick - trying to not do too much.

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October 8, 2003

How interesting.  The naturopath says I have parasites and has been treating me for that.  I had doubts.  But, today, with a bowel movement, I actually saw a little bugger.  I'm watching for his buddies.

October 10, 2003

Anniversary of my mother's death.  Spent with sisters.

October 14, 2003

Home after a visit with my family.  It was nice being away from my cancer patient identity and obligations.  Grim returning. 

October 15, 2003

Cycled through my grief.  Considered reasons behind my sadness.  Decided that I could be sad but it didn't have to bleed into other facets of my life - could still have joy.  So I have moved on.

My energy is up.  I need some time to myself.  I need more exercise and feel like I have the energy to do these things.  All right!

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