March 15, 2004

OUCH!!!!!  I had, just moments ago, been in positive revelry and wonder at how much less the squeeze factor seemed during this mammogram.  But, now my portacath was beneath the plate and pinching my skin tremendously.  OUCH!!!  The tech is stepping to, rapidly instructing me to breathe in and hold my breath.  I know she feels bad.  I just had to say it as I reactively attempt to  pull away, I feel like an animal in a trap.  Just let me out.

Now it's done.  Because of the HIPAA debacle I have to go by and pick up my own films to take to the surgeon next week.  He needs to see them as well as the report.  Without HIPAA staff from the physician's office could be the gopher.  Next I will be carrying all sorts of stuff from office to office all in the name of my privacy.

While I'm in a whiny mood, let me share my feelings about pain and its management.  I have a had over 3 weeks of low pain.  I can deal with it.  I sleep better.  I am not so tired.  But before that, when I no longer had pain medicine that made a difference and would have had to call to get a prescription I labored and fretted about it quite a bit before deciding to just bear it.  I didn't know if I would ever experience pain free days.  I wanted to learn to live without dependency on the pain medicine that really made a difference.  I was afraid that I was just liking the drug, or that people thought that I was just liking the drug.  That  pain was the grand experience of each day was not a reality that I wanted to accept.  I knew that I was suffering.  But it seemed that my caregivers were not giving me permission to suffer, and since I did not have permission to suffer I could not suffer so I would not need relief from this unallowable suffering.  I remembered that the radiologist did not want to be responsible for prescribing pain meds to me - since I was complaining of neuropathy he felt that I should call the oncologist, which I did.  The nurse talked me into neurontin which did take the edge off.  There was still pain, but I was more comfortable.  The comments made to me by the nurse, and the doctor afterwards caused me to feel that I had worn out my welcome in regards to pain medicine.  Why would I let anything that was said back me down from asking for something that I needed?  What a sorry piece of work I was.  Now, that the pain is greatly diminished I can, in hindsight, know that it was totally reasonable for me to have asked for more pain medicine.  Lesson learned.  I lived.  I could have lived better for a month or so.

March 18, 2004

A friend was telling me of a women's center where you do not leave the center until your mammogram is read and you have at least preliminary results.  How nice.  Today I got my letter - HOORAY.  The mammogram gives no evidence of cancer.  Wouldn't it have been a downer if there was a tumor after all this treatment.  Now, just to keep clear until I die of something else.

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