Cancer Journal

April 14, 2003

Saw my oncologist today. I spent over 2 hours at the clinic, 1 of which was with the doctor. The chemotherapy he advises is so toxic. I remember these names from long ago, but there is an additional drug that he has added which I read about in literature I have picked up and over the internet. The treatments are once every 21 days a total of 8 rounds. That is 6 months. I ask him about my prognosis. With my particular instance without treatment there is a 40% chance of recurrence, with the treatment he recommends the chance is 16%. The treatment is chemotherapy and radiation. I will be receiving treatment for most of the time remaining this year. I will finish around the holidays. Celebrate.

I have small veins. They suggested implanting a catheter which can be used for injecting chemo and drawing blood for diagnostics. I thought about it and said, "I'll think about it more." Thought about it more and decided to have this done. It will be easier on me. Drawing blood is a hardship under the best of circumstances.

April 15, 2003

Taught 2 yoga classes today. It is great to be doing things outside of myself. Tore a couple of sutures that hold the drain in place. A really good reason to have not taught today. But, I think it will be okay, I'll just tape it.

Received an email from a friend who was also recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She is giving me the name of a contact person for a group of women in town who are working towards healing without allopathic support, or with allopathic support plus so-called alternative. Doubts. I would much rather go through this with total confidence in one modality or another, but I know of many stories where people who treated without allopathic support were highly successful in ridding themselves of cancer. I know of many stories when people who did everything possible for a cure did not receive one. We must go with what we believe will work. I have seen research. I have an intuitive feeling. What I know is that the cancer will return without a lifestyle change. I need to eat more healthily. I need to be militant in pursuit of my own wellbeing. And, I believe the allopathic treatments will help rid my body of cancer cells.

It's kind of like that joke: A devout man learns that the area he is living in will definitely be flooded. He is now praying that he will survive the flood. His neighbors begin to leave to higher ground and ask if he would like to come along with them. He says, "No, God will take care of me,." and continues to pray. The water is rising and he has to move to the second story of his home. A rescue boat comes by and tells him to hop in. He replies, "No, God will take care of me," and continues to pray. The water rises and he has to take refuge on his roof. A helicopter comes to airlift him to safety. He declines their help. He says, "God will take care of me," and continues to pray. Finally, the water is rising and soon will overcome him. He cries to God, "God, why have you not helped me?" "I am devout." "I live for you." God replies, "I sent you 3 angels, what more could you want?"

I believe that angels interact with us all the time. They can be found in our relationships, but also in our circumstances. My angels are now located in the therapies, allopathic and 'alternative', that are available to me. I'm not going to frustrate their efforts to save me by being stubborn. I go into this challenge with an open, inquisitive mind. I know that my survival will benefit myself and the people I love. Begin born has obligated me to living a life with purpose and that has not yet been fulfilled. Therefore, I must create optimal conditions for survival.

I am scheduled to have the cath implanted next Friday. Boy, things go fast in this time. And, yet I feel like I'm always waiting for something.

April 16, 2003

Saw the radiologist today. Daily treatments for 7 weeks. Each week meet with the physician and each week have an x-ray. I could spend all day just seeing doctors, cooking my food, exercise, meditation, pranayama, visualization etc. I also need to find time to work and have a minimal social life. I am beginning to sound like some of my students. The rest of this year is looking less and less fun.

The radiologist told me about a study in which about 1500 women were involved testing the efficacy of total mastectomy plus no adjuvant therapy versus lumpectomy with radiation versus lumpectomy with no radiation. Total mastectomy and lumpectomy with radiation reduced recurrence risk immensely. He went on to tell me (and this is what I wanted to know), that further with those patients who had lymph node involvement some received chemotherapy in addition to radiation while others did not. The patients with both adjuvant therapies had much less recurrence. What I didn't ask is why? Why wouldn't the chemotherapy be enough? After all, if it's systemic, why doesn't it go to the breast? Whey do we still need a localized treatment, such as radiation? My theory is that because of the high fat content in the breast the chemotherapy is unable to get to some cancer cells that may be hiding in that tissue that receives less circulation. Until I know better, works for me.

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