April 23, 2004

Two days ago I got my first haircut in over a year.  Quite an event.  My hair is so curly.  Trimming it seems to have taken some of the gray - maybe it's turning colors as it grows.  It is so much darker than before and out-of-control curly.

My naturopathic physician has not charged me for a visit since my first, never saying why.  This week she charged me since I was no longer a "cancer patient."  Other people were helpful in that way as well.  You wonder how you're going to afford treatments, how you will have the energy to carry on, and where you will find joy.  There is all sorts of charity and compassion in the world, some from the most unlikely sources, it causes the practical, independent person in me to take pause. 

These are good times.

Tomorrow is our area's Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure.  We have been having exciting thunderstorms and funnel touchdowns this past week and this type of weather is to continue into the weekend.  I am hoping it's clear enough.  Thousands of people come out for this, most not interested in the competition, just the socialization and their commitment to the cure.  It shows how many of us are effected, personally or with those close to us.

April 25, 2004

It was raining yesterday morning.  The weather channel's local on the 8's declared a high probability of thunderstorms throughout the morning.  The radar did not show that to be so true.  I knew that the past week had been like monsoons with afternoon, evening and night-time storms.  But, I decided to take the risk of rain to heart, not go to the Race for the Cure, and sleep in.  I slept until 10 am.  To say that I am sleep deprived is an understatement.  I have been working long hours these past few months earning money to make up for not earning money the 2 months I will be away in India.  I have also liked the feeling of success in my career after a year of stagnation (even though there is a great reason for that stagnation - self care).  Still, I did not go to the Race for the Cure.  There were 500 breast cancer survivors who did make it.  I say that I want to be a resource for breast cancer survivors, yet could not show up for an event where there were 500 local survivors in attendance.  I put the pink shirt on, told my husband that I would, at least, wear the shirt yesterday.  I immediately took it off.  I am having trouble still with my breast cancer diagnosis and identity with it.  I don't want to be a person who is concerned with breast cancer, or any health issue for that matter.  I want to be the person hopping along in great health, oblivious to the devastation poor health brings to the daily lives of individuals and their families.  I have a lot of work to do.  Time alone in India is certainly going to be a time of coming to terms.

I can honestly tell my oncologist that I am now at 85% in terms of daily living, yoga and strength.  I remain low in abilities in yogic breathing practices (pranayama) and cardiovascular ability.  I can't say, for sure, whether it's just the inability to expand the tissues around the left lung that were burned by radiation or inability to expand the lung itself.  It's no reach to say it's a combination of the two. 

So, I slept in yesterday.  Had a wonderful, nearly normal yoga practice.  I slept in today.  I have noticed that when I get enough sleep and am rested my depression comes to surface.  I am sad.  There is not anything on my mind over which to be sad, though, like so many people there are lots of reasons I could choose to use as targets for sadness.   I am just sad.  I get to practice being happy:  that means smiling when I'm sad and taking that smile deep inside.  If I merely smile, there's goodness in that.  But, the real gift is letting the smile sink into my heart.  Afternoons after mornings like today are usually top notch.

This morning's paper had a magazine insert on health.  It covered a multitude of health and disease topics and how a certain local hospital's physicians assist people.  One article spoke of whole body PET scans and how they can be ordered by an individual.  If you would like to pay for it yourself (no insurance coverage) it can be done.  Why couldn't the two physicians I asked about the person I knew, who had received a PET scan which showed her to be cancer free, have just said to me, "It's not our standard of care.  It may be that some other physician considers it so, or she may have ordered it herself."  Instead they just looked at me as though they had just heard the sky turned from blue to yellow.

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