Hair Loss

May 14, 2003

Since I will be losing my hair anyway, I have cancelled my haircut appointment.  I’m sort of grieving that.  I’m grieving losing my hair.  I’m tired of making concessions to my body image.  Lori and Elaine think it would be great to pre-empt the hair loss and shave my head Friday, the occasion of Buddha’s birthday.  The only problem I have with that is the actual hair loss.  I agree it would be an auspicious day.  Lori is planning on adding a henna spiral to my flat spot.  I don’t know if I have the courage.

Bob will be relentless in his teasing.  I hope I will be able to return the favor when he goes through any male pattern baldness.

Thought I felt good enough to go to the center and finish at least 15 minutes of cardio, but after returning from the doctor’s appointment I was just wiped out.  I waited in the exam room to be greeted pleasantly by the pulmonologist that I couldn’t remember from my hospital visit.  All around were drawings of lung disease.  I couldn’t get Mom and Dad off my mind.  I cried, then I didn’t, then I did.  I couldn’t stand it.  I was just getting ready to leave when he breezed in to the room.  My lung is clear.  Did I have any problems?  How did I feel about my lung function?  He listened to my breathing, looked at the chest x-ray and was satisfied.  I got out of there. 

I’m really grieving Mom and Dad today.  Wearing my baseball caps reminded me so of Dad, how he would insist on us choosing a cap from his collection hanging on the wall whenever we went out in the Las Vegas sun.  The caps are gone.  The wall hanger (hooks shaped like exotic birds) made it past the first toss-out, but may not have withstood the second.  I can’t remember.

May 15, 2003

Feel better today than I have in over a month.  I have only one appointment and a half-hour class.  I see the acupuncturist.   I am planning on a walk, though I’m still having trouble with the sacroiliac and low back on the opposite side when I walk hills.  I may have to go to the park.  Or I may just go to the center and use a bike or the elliptical.  It’s a sunny day and I’m feeling pretty sunny myself.

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May 19, 2003

My hair is beginning to fall out.  It’s about like when I color my hair.  But, this is a sign that things are beginning to happen hair wise.  I’m wearing a cap just to keep the hair from falling onto things. 

May 20, 2003

Dr. Beck is surprised that my hair has begun falling out ahead of schedule.  My blood work looks good.  He suspects that my next treatments will be improved over the first.  I can drive myself to and from treatments - feeling kind of bad for several days and the rest of the 3 weeks feeling better each day.  I think I can live with that.

I was intending to demonstrate preparation for handstand with the wall behind for the yoga class and I just popped up into handstand.   I didn’t know I had it in me.  Pretty neat.

May 21, 2003

We had a “shave Dale’s head” party.  We had planned to do some decorating for myself and others attending with henna but ran out of time.  We scheduled an alternative date for that.  Besides, my head is not really shaved, it’s more like I was just inducted into the military.  It’s a buzz cut.  There is still some very close to the scalp hair that will either fall out or I will shave more closely.

The party was great.  Several friends gathered with presents and support as I rid myself of the hair that was coming out in handfuls with no limit.  Mollie’s kids and a friend each was there.  They found it quite interesting – shaving an adult’s head.  My hair was distributed for gardens and placed where birds might find it to use as nest building material.  It was quite fun. 

I look the same bald as with hair.  There will be some getting used to it, but it’s not as bad as I thought.   People said that I should shave my head as soon as the hair started falling out – it would make me feel like I’m in control.  I disagree.  I don’t feel in control at all.  I am shaving my head only because the hair is falling out.  How can I decide otherwise?  I can’t wash my hair for fear that all of the falling hair will clog up my drains.  If it falls out all day I run the risk of dropping hair onto any surface, which includes eating, yuck.  The only control I have had since receiving my diagnosis is whether to accept this treatment or that.  Once I committed to a treatment, then things just go their merry way.  I must just believe in its efficacy and promote my own positive attitude.  Attitude, now that’s something I can control.

We had a goddess party and each of us received a henna tattoo.  Of course mine was on the back of my bald head.

May 22, 2003

Gay, from the Cancer Support Home, sent me a couple of zubs (www.zubwear.com).  This is truly great.  It’s a seamless tube of fabric that can be worn many ways.  The fabric is wickable, breathable, and mostly comfortable.  It doesn’t fall off when I hang my head over a bench or chair in a yoga pose.  There are cool designs.  I think the zub and a ball cap will be my choice most of the time.  Of course, I have lots of scarves, they just seem to be too much work right now.  How do I put them on anyway?  I thought I knew, but it’s just tiring. 

I like wearing the scarf Mollie gave me.  It’s from Nepal, purple with red lettering.  It has aum and Shiva.  It keeps my neck warm when wandering through all the air-conditioned spaces in my life.

I could have not shaved my head.  I just look like someone who had just been inducted into the army.  It’s a bad haircut.  The bald spots are not that large.  If my hair had been shorter, a lot shorter, maybe I could have opted for letting it fall out a while longer.  So it goes.

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