Sometimes You Want to Do More

June 11, 2003

Still walking daily, with the dogs.  But, I'm sleeping and sleepy more than I would like.  I am losing strength.  My acupuncturist pointed out the low pulse along the kidney meridian and thought his treatment would help.  It did.  Maybe it's the Purge that the Naturopath gave me.  She said as it begins to work getting rid of parasites that I may feel badly, out of sorts.  But, still I am sorry to be losing the strength to do some of the things I like to do.  Next year my yoga practice will be starting over once again.  I have begun with my practice with new challenges so many times, you would think that I would get used to it.

Lori was going to ride with me to Lincoln, Nebraska where I will be teaching a yoga workshop this weekend.   She is concerned.  Thought she would like to go she is worried if we go together I will catch a cold she has been treating for a week.  This requires a call to the oncologist help line. 

June 12, 2003

Not able to get hold of the nurses, so Lori is wearing a mask for the drive to Lincoln.  A person who looks like a hairless alien and another with a face mask.  What a pair.

June 15, 2003

The workshop went well.  The city of Lincoln is worth visiting.  My favorite site is the capitol building, an art deco building with many references to the land.  This state is truly a collection of people who hold firmly to the land.

My energy held out.  It's great.  I really appreciate the affirming of my strength.

Top

June 17, 2003

After the weekend I was really zonked.  But, that's not really unusual.  Anytime I travel I do not allow enough recuperative time.  I slept through my treatment today.  They basically had to wake me up and tell me to leave.  While at the clinic a young man, maybe 30, came in to visit the nurses and tell them how much they meant to him.  He was 6'3" and weighed 180 pounds, up from the 130 he kept while in chemo.  He said that even though he had family members that died of cancer he knew he had beat it, thanks to the care and compassion of the nurses.  It was very upbeat and wonderful.

June 19, 2003

Pretty amazing.  I have felt just great the past couple of days.  The only real effect is that my lungs feel "stiff".  This is very noticeable when I walk.  It looks like my treatments may go better as I move further from the surgery recuperation.  It may also be the things I do, but I'm buying more into the time theory.

June 21, 2003

The last couple of days have been high fatigue.  It's very easy to become overwhelmed by activity.  I have slept quite a bit.  My stomach is queasy, but not bad.  The part that's worse is that with lack of vitality I begin to float into a psychological sludge.  This is the time I know that I am battling a disease, no delusions.  The rest of the time I feel fairly healthy and, while I know I am working arduously on maintaining and regaining total health, the cancer idea is no more threatening than before the diagnosis.  I am once again on the path of healthy living with only the usual obstacles of prevention (in this case of recurrence) before me.

June 24, 2003

I am not so sleepy, but am very tired.  Everything I do is a great effort.  At least I'm not in danger of falling asleep standing up.  With energy so low I find myself depressed.  These last couple of days I have decided to open up my parent grief box again.  Both of my parents died last year.  The year's anniversary of my father's death was June 15, Father's Day.  I was so busy that weekend and the chemo immediately following that I did not really have a chance to visit my grief.  The cancer diagnosis was a great short circuit to my grieving process.  There was so much to decide, learn, and do.  I wish they were here to listen to me whine. 

Top

June 25, 2003

A road trip - my mother-in-law has passed.  Of cancer.  We knew it would be this year, but not so soon.  She did not suffer.  I dread seeing family and talking about myself.

July 1, 2003

It was a great visit.  Sure, there is this sadness, terrible grief, but family coming together, sharing, it was so wonderful.  We saw Bob's family and some of mine.  Bob connected with some old friends.  The service was sweet.  I am sure Hazel would have approved.  I am so glad I went.  Even though I did talk to family about how I was doing, it seemed so far removed from those days when the real issue was family coming together and remembering the one who has gone on. 

However, it has really exhausted me.

July 3, 2003

Just about every minute I was not working the past 3 days, I was sleeping.  Today I feel perky and able to accomplish more than just the minimal.  How timely is that?  Right at the beginning of a holiday?