High Summer - Reprieve from Adriamycin

July 4, 2003

I find myself trying on philosophies and emotions regarding this diagnosis like I would try on new clothes.  How does it look?  How does the fabric of this feel?  Is it suitable to the occasion?  I usually try this out with friends and family.  I have not gone to a cancer support group since my diagnosis.  Sometimes I wonder why and then recall the great support I have with people I already know, who have a history with me, and some are cancer survivors.  I look at these people as my support group.  It gives me pause, though, what role would the formal support group serve that isn't being served already?  Am I missing something that would be helpful?  I volunteered for cancer support groups for several years and what I was there was similar to what I get now, only with people I may or may not yet know.  I guess times are just too turbulent for me right now to spend energy making new friends.  However, maybe there are people who would benefit from my presence? 

I have discussed with friends and they agree.  The worse is yet to come.  After the active treatment when there is less intense attention paid by myself and healthcare support I may find myself reacting with fear to every little bump and pain.  Do I have a recurrence?  I have glimpses of that now, but for a different reason.  I find the worse times are right before a chemo treatment.  In that time I am strongly invested in the belief that all the cancer has been removed.  l feel well and do not look forward to the loss of energy coming the following week.  However, during the week after chemo, experiencing the effects of this drug, I know I am ridding my body of any cancer cells that may be looking for a home in me.  It's such an impolite parasite, killing its host.

What did I do to provide a fertile ground for this disease?  I know there is always the potential of its taking hold, like weeds in the garden.  How did a cancer cell find an opening?  My belief is that it's all about stress, mental and physical.  The odd thing about this mass is that it was located right at the spot where I had had a needle biopsy about 8 years ago.  There had been a recurring lump (cyst) there for about 15 years.  Mammograms never showed anything.  I hadn't noticed anything after that biopsy until this year.  In all this time I have had the mid-age crises that we all get to enjoy.  I had celebrations galore and many very difficult adjustments.  To some I  adapted less than gracefully.  It has been a stressful time.  I have not been at the top of my game mentally or physically, though I have never given up.  I see my job now is to grow with this and use it positively.  The treatments, with their time and energy requirements, can help me to better schedule my time (so there is more time for my health and soul issues - it's not all about career).  I can use the time of low appetite to make better food selections, if I'm eating less it has to be good for me.  I can use time of reflection to better know myself.  I can use my prayers to help myself and others.  I can relate better to mortality.  I can let go of my physical self image, let it become more fluid.  I am more fully human.

July 6, 2003

This weekend I find myself experiencing indigestion/nausea of the type I experience after a chemo session.  Physical display of psychological discomfort.

July 7, 2003

Still actually physically ill at the idea of chemo.  Depressed.

July 8, 2003

Last treatment with Adriamycin (the red devil).  Treatment was very calming.  I feel so much better after the fact than before.  I believe it's time for me to go to a psychologist and work through some issues.

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